


I'm Fucked

by Galahard



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Established Hartwin, Gen, This is just a little nonsense ficlet but I hope you enjoy, but its in the background, just mentioned by other characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 17:36:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4230777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galahard/pseuds/Galahard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tumblr anon prompt: How many times do you think Merlin's had agents tell him they're fucked? How many made it through?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Fucked

**Author's Note:**

> Again, since I tagged it but didn't put it in the relationship bits: There is established Hartwin but it is very minor/just referenced by another character.
> 
> I'm Galahard on tumblr as well if you want to talk to me there!

“I’m utterly fucked.”

Harry’s voice rang through loud and clear as he stared at the door, the window that had been on the blueprints boarded shut, leaving his entrance as his exit.

An exit with over twenty men on the other side.

“You said that last week and you made it out. Unless you’re talking about your personal life, in which case I’d remind you about the video I have from October the 24th.”

“Delete that.”

“If you don’t make it back in I’m going to have to share it at your memorial.”

“Shit. You’re a menace,” he groused, but then there was a hum in Merlin’s ear. “I suppose I could try that little trick with the cuff links.”

\-------------

“I’m bloody well fucked ain’t I?”

From his position the situation did look fairly daunting, but Merlin just reached over to open an energy drink, pouring it into his mug of coffee and tilting the concoction back.

“From what I can see you have three different gangs after you, and their alliances can’t be all that great.”

“Merlin, you’re a bloody genius you know that? Remind me to bring you a present, yeah?”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he hissed, glancing over at the cat tree by his desk and the first two presents that were staring down at him, judgmentally flicking their tails.

Moments later Eggsy managed to ricochet a shot into the ranks of one of the gangs, then it was a simple manner of making them think they’d been betrayed, easily done with the bullet came from a seemingly impossible angle for his agent to have fired it.

Thankfully the present Eggsy waltzed in with was just catnip.

What Merlin vowed revenge for was the fact that he left it open on his desk while he was in the wc, and there were papers everywhere by the time he returned.

\--------------

“Well, I suppose I’m rather fucked.”

He couldn’t help snorting as Roxy beckoned the man towards her from across the room with a simple flick of her wrist. “That is the point of honeypot missions.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, I wasn’t sure if I still had the touch. Eggsy has had what, the past six? What did he do to you?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Merlin admitted, settling back in his chair and preparing to cut the video once they got back to the hotel room, at least until Roxy turned it back on. “But Harry forgot my birthday for the first time in thirty years, and it took giving Eggsy six of those missions for him to figure it out and bring me a present.”

She coughed, the only way to answer him with her target so close, but he could hear the exasperation somehow, knew she was rolling her eyes. “You don’t understand. He gets these cheesecakes and he won’t tell me who makes them. It’s the only time all year I get one!”

He knew he sounded petulant, but if she knew what those cheesecakes tasted like...

It was a while before she could speak again, flipping on the video while she searched the place and duplicated the USB he needed, so it wasn’t until she’d exited the hotel that she spoke.

“Well it didn’t work you know. Eggsy just felt so guilty they went at it like rabbits after each mission, and I was the one who had to hear about it. Now that I know the reason I suppose it’s your turn to pay up.”

There was a sickly sweet edge to her voice and his eyes widened even as he opened up a tab to order a box of her favorite chocolates.

\--------------

“Merlin,” Percival’s voice was tight and desperate, and Merlin sat up immediately, blindly grabbing for his laptop to try to pull open a direct connection. “I’m fucked.”

Percival rarely called, rarely spoke during missions actually. Everything was planned, laid out until the last i was dotted and t was crossed. And out of all of his agents, Percival never used that line.

“I’m pulling up your feed now, hold on just a second longer.”

There was a moment as he typed through his passwords that he realized he didn’t actually know what mission Percival was on, wondering what he’d forgotten, and then the feed from Percival’s glasses filled the screen.

“It’s a group of tween girls.”

He waited a minute for Percival to fill him in then realized that was it.

“Alastair.”

“Roxy was supposed to be chaperoning, it’s her sister’s party.”

It was incredibly rare to hear the agent have a bit of a whine in his voice, but there it was. “And Roxy is on an actual mission right now. It’s your cousin, how bad can it be?”

“My cousin and four of her friends that want to go shopping. At a mall.” There was a beat of silence before Percival sighed. “James would have known what to do.

It wasn’t fair but Merlin couldn’t just leave him like that. “Get them all rounded up and find out what the closest station is, I’ll figure out what stores are having the best sales and map a route for you.”


End file.
